“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
You Might Also Like
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
Me too 😆
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
Boy never ceases to amaze me
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.