Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
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The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
How does one answer this?
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?