Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
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I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
Big Sex has us all fooled
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters