Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
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3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
a lot to unpack here
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance