Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
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Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think