Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
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age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
best review i’ve ever seen
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
Challenge accepted.
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.