@SladeWentworth

Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.

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@Fred_Delicious

[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]

@PaulyPeligroso

Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?

@FrazzleMyGimp

DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.

PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}

DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.

@seamussaid

son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters

@JermHimselfish

Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.

@QwertyJones3

My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.

@bossy_bootz

*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter

*calls to check on the sitter

@gitson_shiggles

I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead