Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.

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My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle


You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.

Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.


News: Hillary won the debate!

My friends: Bernie won the debate!

Trump: I won the debate!

Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!


“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks


“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird


Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.


[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?


“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”

No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate


If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.


Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.