@SladeWentworth

Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.

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@dadpickupline

My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle

@JKNenagh

You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.

Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

News: Hillary won the debate!

My friends: Bernie won the debate!

Trump: I won the debate!

Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!

@SamGrittner

“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks

@sageboggs

“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”

@bingowings14

Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.

@EndhooS

[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?

@QwertyJones3

“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”

No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate

@DamonHunzeker

If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.

@NerishaLakha

Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.