*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
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My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
Lmbo
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.