Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
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Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.