Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
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Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
👾👾👾
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought