@KimmyMonte

Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread

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@kimwilliamz

There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁

@LoveNLunchmeat

Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.

@errdayhustlah

According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.

@ncknvme

Doctor: are you sexually active?

Me: I usually stay pretty still.

@Jandalize

I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.

@SoVeryBritish

“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you

@MatCro

IAN: I broke my leg once

ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]

THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE

@awordforaword

I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”

@CornOnTheGoblin

[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”

@ben_watt

Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’