Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
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“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.