Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread

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There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁


Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.


According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.


Doctor: are you sexually active?

Me: I usually stay pretty still.


I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.


“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you


IAN: I broke my leg once

ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]



I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”


[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”


Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’