Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
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PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*