@RexHuppke

“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party

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@juneohara65

5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?

Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?

@sinnerland

Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.

@HenpeckedHal

trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies

@HughGoesThere

Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.

@amydillon

H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?

M: Actually…

*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*

M: That was amazing.

@OllyiConic

SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t

@Rollinintheseat

I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”

@Bob_Janke

If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.