Let’s take a family bike ride in this beautiful weather so the kids can complain about family, bike rides, and beautiful weather that has no wifi.
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2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
grotesque if literal: baby food
me: do you think he’ll ever walk again
wife: [recording baby’s first steps] yes
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
How many times does one have to open the fridge door before cake appears inside?
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
My 6 year old asked to play charades with me yesterday. At first she was trapped behind an invisible wall, then suddenly she was eating soup, then driving a car. She dismissed each guess as completely absurd. Finally, frustrated by my ballerina guess, she said, “I’M A MIME, DAD!”
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
It turns out when someone asks who your favorite child is, you’re supposed to choose from your own. I know that now.
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know