Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
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Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
some things should go without saying
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?