Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
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In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
new wife guy just dropped
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?