@what_a_messs
@Robert_Beau At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
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@Robert_Beau 
@david8hughes I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
@WilliamAder HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
@dubstep4dads *licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
@murrman5 Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
@Contwixt In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
@AdamBroud Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
@UncleDuke1969 They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
@molly_kornfeld A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
@capricecrane What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”