“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows

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It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.


[first date]

DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths

ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*


Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.


I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.


I’m not afraid of spiders.

I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.

Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.


Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”


A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong


If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.