@what_a_messs
@LizHackett It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
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@LizHackett 
@POOPSCRUFFIN4U [first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
@DoomedBoxes Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
@topaz_kell I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
@iamjohnsarris I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
@UncleDuke1969 bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
@barkingtrees [examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
@jakob_huber Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
@campcrunk A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
@Gupton68 If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.