@what_a_messs

“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows

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@LizHackett

It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.

@POOPSCRUFFIN4U

[first date]

DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths

ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*

@DoomedBoxes

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.

@topaz_kell

I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.

@iamjohnsarris

I’m not afraid of spiders.

I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.

Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.

@jakob_huber

Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”

@campcrunk

A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong

@Gupton68

If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.