“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
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Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma