Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
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bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
“our sushi is very fresh”
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.