Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
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Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
when you order from DoorDastardly
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
sin harder.
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away