@IamJackBoot I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
@simoncholland Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
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@IamJackBoot 
@ericsshadow [wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
@bridger_w Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
@BipolarBearDick My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
@OhhhLuiss Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
@50NerdsofGrey ‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
@notalogin *Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
@KimmyMonte I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
@BuffyMaddingly You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
@Breadery Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?