@simoncholland

Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.

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@IamJackBoot

I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.

@ericsshadow

[wife frantically searching the house]

Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere

[me napping on couch]

OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS

@bridger_w

Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair

@BipolarBearDick

My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.

@OhhhLuiss

Friends are like bananas.

If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.

@50NerdsofGrey

‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.

@notalogin

*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!

@KimmyMonte

I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?

@Breadery

Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?