Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
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This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
🙋♀️
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again