Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
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Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
How wrong was this guy?
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”