Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
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*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back