Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*unzips babybell cheese*

yeah. that’s him.

*rezips babybell cheese*

when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok

If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.

I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.

Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.

At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners

I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.

Him: I’m breaking up with you

Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?

Him: yes

Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay

“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”

OMG, you mean this isn’t it.

And that’s how the fight started.

I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.

[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b

[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice

Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either

I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…

the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers

My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.

*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.

Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.

Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.

Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut

The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?

another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?

Tired of people being like “here’s my go-to easy meal” and then starting to preheat the oven

*pats belly*

Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?

Me: Yes. Nachos.

“Does your dad play any sports?”

“No, my dad hates sports”

*dad walks in*

“Hey there, Sport”

Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.

I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.

Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.

A Short Story.

Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*

Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.