@Brentweets

Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.

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@LoveNLunchmeat

One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.

@lmegordon

Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.

@AngryRaccoon2

I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her

@usedwigs

If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.

@slimmy_shady

Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!

@lejessica

The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.

@AngieDavisHaha

If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.

@reallifemommy3

My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything

My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing

@PoodleSnarf

Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”