Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
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People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
you will never know the true number of layers
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
where do you see yourself in five years?
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.