@OhNoSheTwitnt

Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.

You Might Also Like

@Reel2Dialog2

[from the bottom of a lake]

I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.

@niks27_shah

I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”

@BradBroaddus

I won every fight in 1st grade.

Not because I was tough, because I was 13.

@TheDoorTHEDOOR

An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.

@noog

Cop: License and registration please.

Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.

Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?

Me: No.

@dafloydsta

[marriage counseling]

He barely knows who I am anymore

“That’s not true, Karen”

LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA

@AnkCoupleTO

Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*

@SwedishCanary

I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.

@fuzzlime

I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race

@AtmanThakrar

I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?