Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
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You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
A sick whale is called an unwhale
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!