Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.

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[from the bottom of a lake]

I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.


I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”


I won every fight in 1st grade.

Not because I was tough, because I was 13.


An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.


Cop: License and registration please.

Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.

Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?

Me: No.


[marriage counseling]

He barely knows who I am anymore

“That’s not true, Karen”



Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*


I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.


I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race


I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?