If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
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Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
I’m confused about plants
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home