Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
[he stops writing, frowns]
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i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.