@joejwest

LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes

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@LoveNLunchmeat

Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.

@UncleDuke1969

The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.

@iamburtjarvis

wife: did you change the baby?

me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.

@Birdhumms

Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.

@Book_Krazy

[Couples Therapy]

HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead

HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26

ME: OMG SEE!

@RodLacroix

I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.

@weinerdog4life

Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.

@roxiqt

FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.

ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.