LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
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Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
Google Pay be like:
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it