Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
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Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well