LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
You Might Also Like
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”