Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nobody:

Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.

Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.

Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.

You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.

wtf is an acronym

*I describe my lost cat to the cops*

Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*

Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*

Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?

Mom: What did I just say?!?

Kid: Don’t you remember?

Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.

Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.

So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.

I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.

It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.

Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.

5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?

Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question

I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.

me: is it cool if i add a little hat

person i’m tattooing: what no

me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]

ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it

Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.

Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*

I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place

OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?

Me: my personality

Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.

*sets phone on fire*

I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.

4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?

Me: What do you mean?

4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?

Airport: come like 3 hours early

Ok what gate do I go to

Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫

absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit

do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes

have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely

Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.

Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?

Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.

It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.

I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.