Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
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No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally