LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
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Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.