Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
You Might Also Like
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
🙂🙃🥹
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.