Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
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Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.