Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
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ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
oh shit
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.