*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
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After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
All set.
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
Do not steal food from the science building!
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument