*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
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They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
Mornin
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin