*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
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what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
Time heals everything 🙂
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45