Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
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I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.