lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
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I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
Check your privilege
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M