Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
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Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.