[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
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I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.