Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
You Might Also Like
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
#SuperBowl
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.