Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
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I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism