life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
You Might Also Like
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
My Sentiments Exactly
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
Kids: Stay in school.