Life cycle of cat
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Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
I forgot how to panic. Help
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
are they though??
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.