Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
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Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
Some people were born into their job.