(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
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‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
RT if you could go either way.
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
Terribly Tuesday.
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner