Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
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I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.